Feedback - How to use it in dating, marriage, and the office

The power of Feedback

If you are in a position to give feedback or opinions, then you need to realize that that is a privilege you get to bestow on another. You don't even need to be in a management position to give feedback. The person behind the counter at the supermarket can take feedback from anyone, it does not have to be a manager.

I am not saying being a mean person, far from it. Say something nice to brighten their day if you can. A compliment is just feedback that is pleasant.

Types of Feedback

Broadly speaking there is negative feedback (I have to tell you how you messed up) and positive (I have to tell you you've done well). Obviously, positive feedback is easier to give.

There also exists a hierarchy of feedback which starts at the bottom is no feedback. The obvious argument for this is that no feedback is neutral. But I disagree. No feedback means you have not even started the endeavor yet. You would not say bad food is better than no food if you are starving (well you might).

Starting at the top without being totally inclusive.

Positive Complimentive feedback

Positive feedback

Neutral feedback

Bad feedback

Insulting feedback

No Feedback

How to elevate feedback

Well, if no feedback can at least become insulting feedback then it would stand to reason that feedback can be improved.

For instance, let's say that the cashier is slow at bagging.

Your feedback of "You are slow because you obviously can't do two things at once" is Insulting feedback, not only did you tell them their negative feedback, but you also made it weirdly personal. This is the land of Karen's.

A step up is "You are not going very fast with the bagging" this is standard negative feedback. Again, not super useful but needed in some cases.

Going up to neutral, "The speed of bagging seems to be slower on this isle". The trick here is to criticize in a more general way. Point to the problem and let their minds sort out the rest. There is an idea that you should be very specific with feedback and that is just not true unless it is positive. Generally, you never ever want to give feedback below this level. Unless you are a dick.

Positive, so this is where it gets a little tricky because you do not really want to deliver negative feedback in a positive way. So the trick here is that you don't. A slow-bagging cashier has to have some positive so you would say something like "Wow, they have you doing both? I am sure that was hard to do at first?". If the person you are saying this to has any awareness at all of themselves they will say "Yea, I need to work on the bagging part". Another trick here is that feedback is actually much more effective if the person you are giving it to spots it themselves.

Positive Complimentive, this is the land of the gods when it comes to getting people aligned with you. Wifes, cashiers, husbands, it's a silver bullet. The idea here is to include something about that person that is innately them in your feedback or compliment. The slow bagger "Wow you are doing both, It seems like you are really good at doing multiple things at once". Again, if they have any awareness they will say, "Yea, I am. I need to speed up on this second part".

The point is we got our point across in every situation and 2 of the ways we delivered the feedback made them feel great.

Please don't go around to grocery stores telling people what to do all day now.

More on Giving feedback - Specifically targeted Complimentive.

When you give feedback, always make sure to relate it back to the person you're giving it to. That way, they'll be more likely to take it on board and see it as positive. After all, feedback is only useful if it's tailored to the individual concerned.

So why not make the most of your feedback by making it personal? In doing so, you'll help the person you're giving feedback to grow in the best way possible - as a result of them being themselves. And that can only be a good thing!

When giving feedback, it is important to relate it back to the person. For example, if you are giving feedback about someone's dress sense, you might say "I like the way those pants look on YOU" This type of feedback is positive and reinforces that you are giving them a specific form of feedback.

Try it yourself, the formula is simple POSITIVE STATEMENT and HOW IT RELATES TO THEM IN SOME WAY.

"Jessica, those pants look good on you because your ass is so juicy"