My burnout chronicles: the chicken and the egg of the job

Disclaimer: everything I write here is my thoughts and opinions about the condition I am still going through. I call it burnout. They may or may not apply to you, dear reader. But I hope it may help you or someone else with their struggles, by giving examples and ideas.

Do you love your job? How do you approach your next task? Are you excited because it is something new you can try and learn from? Are you neutral maybe? Or are you stressed and anxious, because every next task you are given just adds to the pile of things you have to do?

The rollercoaster of development

I would love to be a junior developer again, I mean it is not an easy time by any definition. You have to give your whole to the job. But it is exciting landing your first achievements.

• Finish your first-ever task (although it took you ages and the boss was giving you this "you are a goner" look) - success.

• Finish your first-ever task on time - success

• Didn't need to google shit to do it - success

• Learned to use this new library all on your own - success

• Got your first-ever raise at your job - success

I mean you see the pattern, it is super satisfying and we love the little things when we are just starting. At least I did. And other people also start noticing your growth. You get praise and you probably like it.

But then something happens (maybe in a few years). Even though you may keep challenging yourself, with time tasks get easier and easier to do. Not in the sense that they are easy-easy. But in a sense that you have developed instruments to approach your tasks. And those instruments work. So there is less reward, although you do more work. And you are so used to this early success, although you may have never thought about it.

And maybe just maybe, you don't feel the success the way you did before. Maybe you now feel the need to take on more tasks, harder tasks. Or the people around you feel the need to load you up. whatever it is you start doing more work.

And the stress starts to build up, at first very slowly, but faster as it progresses. Maybe now your vacations don't get you all that refreshed, and the thought that you don't want to go to the office starts to creep in.

And then one day your job is constant agony, less and less stamina every day and more and more stress, but you push yourself with all you can muster. Because the success you remember and like is ahead. You crave it.

Stopping is hard

But can you stop for a moment? Is it the success that drove you from the beginning, when you just started? I mean did you say to yourself, that if you work hard you will become an engineering rockstar and people will praise you for it? Maybe, but only just a little. You were probably humble and at the same time hungry for knowledge. You pushed because learning and doing the job were a reward in itself. Not because others praise you.

Maybe it is time to unload this burden and listen to yourself. Are you fulfilled, do you like what you do, do you need help with your tasks or do you need to change things altogether? Stopping is the hardest thing when you are riding the rollercoaster of the ever-up-going career, but it is I believe the only way you can avoid a hard fall. Stop from time to time to retrospect, and your tomorrow self will thank you.

Afterthought

• If you like what you are doing, if you like putting in the work, you feel successful and fulfilled. And on the other hand, if you only think about the success ahead, it may feel overwhelming and hard.

• Getting swept in the other direction by your surroundings is quite easy, it may happen to anyone. But you need to remember that you are the driver, stop from time to time, to check your compass.