ADHD: Curse Of The Gifted

There is no easy way to begin; I am a hypocrite. I see the extent of work I have set before me and I stall. I know that once I begin there will be no turning back. I fear that I will not be capable of doing enough in given time and then none of it will be worth it.

I want to create, expand, conquer and shine. I want to solve problems. Above all things I want to solve problems. This is the problem with me. I think I am too much of a wanter and not much of a doer. I get hamstrung and crippled when there is so much to do. I consider myself to be far from exceptional, yet, in all my moderateness of stature, I fear that I will die a very unhappy man, gnashing my teeth silently in the throes of regret. They say ignorance is bliss and in those days I will be neither of these, viz. ignorant or blissful. I am not ignorant, even though that which I know barely amounts to a hair on the head of that which I don’t. Yet, I do maintain that I am fully aware of the extent to which I have been gifted and likewise the extent to which I am expected to try and cultivate these gifts.

I was made to create, expand, conquer and shine. There is no excuse for my failure. No excuse for having shied away from me for so long. No excuse for having ignored and neglected treasured stones handed to me on a bejeweled platter. This is me being honest with myself when I say I have been stupid, lazy, slow and unconcerned. In the spirit of honesty, none of this has been for lack of trying some but rather for the lack of trying hard enough. I refuse to do well enough the things worth doing the most. Sometimes my justification is that I can probably do it and so there’s no need to prove myself, other times my justification is that I probably can’t do it so why try any way? Sometimes my justification is that I have it all so what is the point? Other times my justification is that I have nothing and so where would I even start? And so whatever the case seems, I provision myself an avenue to stall.

I will create, expand, conquer and shine. Whatever the case might be, I have to do it anyway. I am running out of time, as times are unusually hard and my responsibilities, both to myself and to those I hold dear, proliferate. I am an unusually strong man, so I can do it. But I hate it. I want to work but I don’t want to have to work as hard as it seems that I have to work. I desire greatness but I do not currently proceed as in that direction, sadly. I do not want to work as hard as I have to. The road to greatness is difficult and harsh, both to oneself and to everything else attached. I need to start on it nonetheless. Not just for me but for everything else attached and to start I need to make a plan.

I will make a plan and then another, and another. I will make it a point of practice to make plans and stick to their execution diligently. Starting with the smallest & most mundane of plans. I’ll train myself to care more about delayed gratification and about purpose. This is all I need. This and time; for the road is far and I was made to create, expand, conquer and shine.