Straight to the point

The technique I am about to share is about channelling negative emotions (fear and guilt) to accomplish habits and goals.

Background

As I reflect today, I can definitely say that the Frinze at the age of 18-21 is the most productive beast I have ever met. I ask the questions:

How'd he do it? Balancing 2-3 jobs, studying full-time, while volunteering for charity to code. Just how?
What was in his mind? What was driving him forward? What was that persistence?

I look at myself right now, and wonder what has changed for the past couple of years. I am no where as extreme as I used to be (or at least that's my perception tarnished by society's traditional idea of productivity).

Why the heck after work - I just want to walk in the park and watch the sunset, and not doing anything else? Why is it that when I want to set goals and make progress, it seems harder now?

Why does goal setting suck?

There's this whole thing about setting "SMART" (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time bound) goals, but it still feels ineffective. The idea is if you pick a SMART goal, there's the notion of feeling more motivated to achieve it.

One time I had a goal about "Finish reading a book after 3 months by reading a chapter every week". I have these as my SMART:

specific - Reading a chapter every week
measurable - a chapter a week / 1 book
achievable - yes its achievable
relevant - Reading expands my holistic understanding of the world which helps in my development
time bound - 3 months

Every Sunday, I'll try to pick up my book. Sometimes I will be able to read, and sometimes I'll be distracted and push it off. I suppose sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow trying to put the effort in even though I know for myself that this habit is useful. By doing this activity, I gain (important keyword... keep that in mind), but the aspect of "gaining" something makes it feel that there's no consequence.

This kind of meant that even if I missed the goal - it didn't hurt, and there's no forcing function that makes a correction of behaviour. Yes - I somewhat feel bad I missed a goal, but it doesn't have any deeper feeling than the surface level of "ehh, I missed it.

What did Frinze of the past had?

Let's go back in time I suppose from my memories as to what happened.

Growing up in the Philippines, I was ingrained with the whole notion of "kailangan magtiyaga at magtiis para mabuhay" ("there's a need persevere and endure to live" is the closest translation I can do - even if it doesn't have the same level of expression 😅). That comes from me being a kid and seeing how life is actually quite expensive and competitive:

needing to learn by myself without a tutor (because tutoring is expensive)
excusing myself from hanging out with some friends because my parents want me home (when in reality, I just can't afford to go out - my allowance was just not enough 🥲)
picking over-sized jackets and shoes so I can still wear it many years from now (yes - i still have clothes that fits me 15 years ago, and I still wear it 😅)
seeing young kids achieving way more things than me

With that particular mindset, I had this fear that one day I will need to find a job, and I just wouldn't be enough with all the people way better than this. I fear that when I can't get that opportunity, life will be very hard to afford. I fear that I will be a burden to my family.

With all these fears in me - I know I should not fail. I know that I should do whatever it takes to avoid the grim "possible reality" that is chasing me.

After I graduated from high-school, I had my head straight in university (full detail of what I was doing in my uni days here in a previous blog). I remember telling myself "I want to graduate and after that I need to secure a job). I structured the first 3 years into ARC:

1st year - the arc of "Getting Good at my Craft - The Technical Skills"
2nd year - the arc of "Getting Good at the Process - CV, Cover Letter,
Interviews" and the "Internship Job Hunt"
3rd year - the arc of "Securing a Job"

I suppose that's a goal??? But was it a SMART goal?

specific - heck no 😅, it doesn't really say what I need to step-by-step
measurable - also no, I don't have a number or metric that says how good I am at my crafts, nor whether I am getting good at the process.
achievable - idk 😅, it's my first time doing all these - but I'll give it my best
relevant - definitely
time-bound - I suppose so

How did this fear impact my execution to achieve my goal?

Every single moment whenever I feel giving up, I always remember the feeling of "losing". I feel like when I don't give it a shot - I lose time, I lose opportunities, I lose "distance" from what I am running way from. After all, thats what it felt like when I understood that 2nd year and 3rd year are the one shots you have for internships and grad programs.

That's why every single days of those years , I needed that productivity! I needed that grind! This fuelled my efforts those days!

I did end up achieving that goal, a little bit ahead of schedule - I finished the 3rd year goal in the 2nd year, so the 3rd year goal simplified to just "graduate with a degree", but of course it wasn't that easy 😅 when I was balancing full-time work and part-time study at the time.

I understood the sacrifices and trade-offs I have made:

less social stuff
less health-minded habits
less of the emotion to bear

all to achieve the goal!

After graduating from uni and securing a good-paying job, all those fears disappeared - and enter my days where I am not so good at accomplishing goals 😅. Of course, achieving further goals wasn't in my priorities after accomplishing this milestone (not everything in life should be productive 😅). I needed a break - that's why I had the whole "burnout and partying every single weekend" arc of my life.

What could be the Psychological feeling here?

The Cat, The Rat and The Cheese

There's a particular experiment I remember "the cat, the rat, and the cheese". The question of the experiment was, if the rat was put in the situations:

the cat is chasing the rat
the rat is running on a treadmill to get the cheese

in what scenario would rat be running the fastest?

It turned out that rats run faster when chasing by a cat (fear) than running to get the cheese (desire).

If we go back to my personal experience, I was definitely scared - scared of a "possible grim reality". While sure you can say I put all those efforts because I "desired" an outcome, I feel it's more accurate to say that I was putting all those efforts because I "fear" the consequences if I don't.

So "it's easier to run when you're being chased by something, rather than chasing something".

Loss Aversion

There's also another psychological explanation to this - the concept of loss aversion. This is the cognitive bias that explains why individuals feel the pain of loss twice as intensively as the pleasure of gain.

For example - you're in the casino, and you have $100. The feeling of being upset is stronger when you lose that $100, than the feeling of joy in winning another $100.

In that experience of mine, there's really the aspect of "losing chances" and "losing opportunities". I have my fair share of opportunities and changes I've lost due to my own mistakes, but of course I felt those pain enough to let know me know it's a strong feeling to avoid.

The Feeling of Sunk Cost

The first two feeling I've talked about applies strongly to the first couple of years. However, there's a fair bit of effort put into it "sunk cost", it really is hard to let go.

A lot of people will be familiar with the concept of "Sunk Cost Fallacy" where

The sunk cost fallacy is our tendency to continue with something we’ve invested money, effort, or time into—even if the current costs outweigh the benefits. - https://asana.com/resources/sunk-cost-fallacy

I would be careful to call it a "fallacy" though because I don't know if "the current costs outweigh the benefits".

A simple example is kind of like a gym membership or yoga classes. You pay for it, and you know it’s good for you - the feeling of already paying for it makes you feel that you have something to lose if you don’t go!

In those years where I am putting in the grind, there will be times where I have doubted whether the things I do are right, whether the things I do will set my self up for success. And, there will be times where I wanted to give up and accept the grim faith. I look and ask myself a couple of things:

Before I give up, why did I even start this journey in the first place?
what about the time, the efforts, the sacrifice that I've already put in? Are those just for nothing?

The second question really is the strongest for me, which really compounds the effect of the loss aversion. I had to keep going! I had to see it through the end!

Where am I now?

It's been 2 years now since I finished university - I felt like I had enough of a break now, and also had sometime to think about what I wanted to do for some parts of my life. Of course - having something I want to do, and to achieve is a "goal" which led me all back to this "goal setting".

I am not yet ready to reveal to the world what I want to do in the next couple of months or years, but I can share one.

One of the current goals I have is to be healthier. It doesn't follow the "SMART" goal concept, but it follows the "fear concept" that I just described. I am currently doing a number of things to accomplish that goal, and I don't think it's a never ending goal (it's more of a habit). This time I fear the following:

If I don't take good care of my skin, I wouldn't feel confident going outside
If I don't take good care of my lungs, I would hate to exist in my life having that breathless feeling
If I don't get good enough sleep, I will not feel my best in the day, and will make any sickness worse
If I don't do this, I die

A bit grim 😅 (or maybe realistic is the right term), but if it gets the job done, who can argue?

Warning: Use this knowledge with caution

What worked for me will not necessary work for you - your mileage may vary.

However, I'd like to put this warning because when you use "fear" to drive accomplishments, you can get burnout especially if you don't have a holistic view and understanding of the sacrifices you'll have to make. Sure the whole "fear" thing will give you the drive, but is the stress that comes with it worth the reward?

Using negative emotions like fear is not sustainable, but sustainability is not always the goal (all circumstances are different which calls for different tradeoffs). For example with work, it’s probably not a good idea to “I just work because I fear not being able to afford things” - while yes that’s a reality for some people, it’s a better feeling to “I work because I enjoy the impact of what I do”.

To do something out of survival feels different to do something out of desire.

I suppose it's the difference of a goal you need, and a goal you want.

A Call to Action

Thank for reading this blog - I hope you enjoyed it!

To end a note in this blog - I would like to ask you - what are you itching to do in life? Why do you want to do that? Is it because you’re afraid of something? If yes, what are you will to do to avoid that fear?

The Usual Goal Settings Sucks

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