Breaking Bad Interviewing

What is this place?

Just a space for me to get weird with my ego and be publicly vulnerable about how much shame I feel around the prospect of never being a good enough software developer. Especially given that I don't currently hold that title, which in my stinky brain - a good enough developer would at all times.

I'm not even going to use the word engineer because I never intend to learn the kind of math it takes to hold that title. On some level there are so many roles and skills that just seem like they're for "other people" - I've met those people, I like those people, I even think some of what they do is fascinating as far as I can understand what an API contract is for micro services.

I'm still unsure of what I specifically have to learn to get where I want to go.

Some things I think I'll be covering ⤵️

• What kind of interviews I’m doing, how I’m preparing for them

• What absolute heaps of steaming nonsuccess I’m experiencing and my attempts at self awareness around them

• What other technical pursuits I’m driving myself towards

• If I learned anything this week

Why am I doing this to myself?

Because I have and have had a lot of excuses. I've asked 100 people how they became a senior developer, many said just practicing interview questions.. which left a lot to be desired.

I'm, as you can guess, terrible at self study. I was terrible at school in general my whole life actually, but I had very decent grades until l became an adult and passing really mattered, which is when I conveniently (haha) mentally spiraled. I fell out of life so hard I became one of the many people who don't experience enough mental illness to be committed but too much to actually get out of the hole they're in, without intervention. I think I would have suffered much more without the love and attention I was afforded, and without it I'm not sure where I would be today.

I have a history of severe mental illness in my direct family tree and didn't try anti depressants until 23. I didn't have therapy until I paid for it myself at 26, family support for therapy was out of the question. Actually it made me outwardly more of a loonie to them to go, so I really doubled down on being rejected by them. Once as a drop out, then as a “crazy person”.

I've been to what now feels like a lot of therapy, 3 years and I just started up again, guess what a big part of my failure narrative revolves around?

Career success. Personal success. Attempting to find happiness and self worth and self love through monetary success - which nearly worked at times, which is scary to admit.

Today, I'm 32 and I still feel like a failure - less than ever for sure and with much more compassionate eyes. I am starting to think that the only thing I've ever actually failed at is escaping my shame and that everything else was a necessary lesson (or series of failure loops) that lead me to where I am today - well loved, taking care of myself and others, traveling and experiencing the world, occasionally grateful, always terrified by the fullness of a world and a version of myself that I see through a very narrow lens.

Read on if...

• I sound like your inner voice, full of regrets and blame that points inward and out. "Why am I like this", you think to yourself after a day of emotional spinning and lists left undone.

• You love to rubberneck at the scene of an accident.

• You want to find out if I overcome my personal shit and ascend to a state beyond material wealth and career devastation