'I spent 30 years searching for secret to happiness - the answer isn't what I thought'

In a heartfelt personal story, Fergal Keane shares his journey with PTSD, depression, and his quest for balance in life. Along the way, he's found insights into happiness that can help those facing serious mental health challenges, and anyone just needing a boost.

Listen to Fergal read this story

Almost two years ago, I experienced a powerful change within me. I was walking with a loved one on the eastern edge of Curragh beach in Ardmore, County Waterford, a comforting place since my childhood. We stopped by a river flowing into Ardmore Bay. I listened to the different sounds the water made—the swift rush of the river and the surf crashing on the shore.

Suddenly, I heard the air being displaced by dozens of wings. A flock of Brent geese flew over the cliff, soaring into the sky. I felt a lightness inside and such gratitude that I laughed out loud.

"So, this is what it feels like," I thought.

To flip around the words of the novelist Milan Kundera, I experienced a delightful "lightness of being." That moment came back to me this week as I pondered the idea of Blue Monday—the January day often labeled the saddest of the year.

Anyone familiar with clinical depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) knows that sadness doesn't follow a calendar. It can strike on the sunniest day, in the most beautiful place, and still make you feel like your mind is frozen solid.

But thinking about Blue Monday made me reflect on happiness. What is it, really? What role does it play in my life?

Grey days and dark nights

Not long before that magical day with the geese, I had just emerged from an emotional breakdown. It was March 2023, and I felt like I had gone 12 rounds with a heavyweight boxer. But the opponent was myself, as it had been for decades.

I've faced several hospital stays over the years, going back to the early '90s. I've battled with shame, fear, anger, and denial—all the things that stand in the way of happiness. There were gloomy, frightening days when every tree seemed bare, even in the heart of summer. And nights when I woke up soaked in sweat, my mind racing with obsessive thoughts, bad dreams creeping into the morning light.

Add to that my recovery from alcoholism in the late '90s, and I've done my fair share of exploring the dark nights of the soul.