🛠️ Day 40–44: The Struggle, The Spark, and the Stillness

Honestly, I’m not even sure what’s going on anymore. The days are just flying by, and somehow it’s already Day 44. While time seems to be slipping through my fingers, there have still been some moments — important ones — that deserve to be written down.

🎙️ Two Interviews, Two Lessons

In the past few days, I attended two interviews.

• The first one was unexpectedly comforting. I made mistakes, sure — bluffed a little here and there — but the interviewer was one of the kindest people I’ve met in a long time. The conversation felt genuine, like I wasn’t just being evaluated, but also being understood. That alone made it a great experience.

• The second one flipped the script. I had prepped hard — focused on advanced topics, dove deep. But when the interviewer asked a basic question, I froze. I didn’t have an answer. That stung. And it told me one thing: I need to go back and rebuild the foundation.

🌱 Terraform: A Spark of Joy

Parallel to all this, I started experimenting with Terraform — and I was genuinely amazed.

What usually takes 15–20 minutes to provision on AWS took less than a minute, and the script? Done in under two. It was fast. It was simple. It felt like magic.

For a brief moment, it reminded me why I started this journey — the curiosity, the excitement of automation, of watching infrastructure come alive with a few lines of code.

🧠 The Toughest Realization

But the hardest part of these 40+ days has nothing to do with tech.

I’ve become lazy. Stubborn. A chronic procrastinator. Not just for a week or a month — this has been building up for over a year or two. And now, the consequences are showing.

I find myself unable to think clearly at times. I freeze in simple social situations. I can’t focus during interviews, but I can somehow watch hours of YouTube. That’s a terrifying contrast. It’s like my brain is wired to avoid anything that matters, and I’m constantly fighting it.

It’s one of the hardest things I’ve faced so far.

💸 The Pressure is Real

I need to land a job by the end of April. Otherwise, things get seriously tough — financially and emotionally. And yet, out of these 40+ days, I probably only had 5–7 days of proper learning.

That’s a hard pill to swallow. But it’s also the truth.

🧭 Still Here. Still Trying.

Despite all that — the inconsistency, the mental fog, the procrastination — I haven’t given up. The upcoming days are going to be crucial. And I know this recovery won’t be fast or easy. But I truly believe that even a single small step can start the process of healing.

That’s where I’m at.

Still standing. Still trying.
Still hoping that the next step will be the one that finally builds momentum.