Loneliness

Something’s off. I feel different. Not depressed, not exactly. But angry. Yes. Very much so. Angry at myself.

The choices I made weren’t wrong. They was optimal. Coldly calculated, maybe. But they were the most efficient. Game-theoretically sound. There exists a Nash equilibrium in what I did. This isn’t a story of betrayal or cowardice. It’s a zero-sum game. And I chose the option that did the least damage, that maximized peace. I didn’t hurt anyone. I sided with the heavens.

And yet…

Tonight, when I sat alone, I called for the heavens.

Nothing answered.

The silence screamed louder than any voice ever could. Not long ago, I was laughing with people, basking in company, floating. Now this silence, it’s hollowing me out from the inside. It hurts in the way only a quiet room can.

Funny, isn’t it? The things we do, bold, decisive; get us applause, even reverence. We get hailed as legends. But the crisis, the madness beneath, is invisible. People see the flame, not the cost of keeping it lit. So much showoff. So much hate. For the same elements that make everyone. It’s a game.

That’s why there’s still hope.

I don’t think this is pain for a mistake. This feels like punishment for doing too much of the right thing. I did what was good. I did what was just. And now, I am alone in the void. No hand from above. No comfort from the stars.

The heavens don’t answer.

This isn’t purgatory.

This is hell.
And God… God is dead.

I may be, and just may be, if I’m lucky enough, able to calculate my way out of this.