Why Being Disliked Can Make You Stronger

Hey friends,

Ever feel like you're constantly chasing approval? Like your happiness hinges on what others think of you? 🙋‍♂️ I know I've been there. We live in a world obsessed with likes, validation, and fitting in. But what if I told you there's a way to break free from that cycle?

That's the core message of a book that genuinely shifted my perspective: "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

Now, this isn't your typical self-help book. It's written as a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, exploring the fascinating and often counter-intuitive ideas of Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Freud and Jung. It's less about quick fixes and more about a fundamental shift in how you view yourself, your past, and your relationships.

Ready to dive into some potentially life-changing ideas? Let's go!

🤯 Myth Buster #1: Your Past Doesn't Define Your Present

One of the first big ideas that hit me was Adler's rejection of etiology (the study of causation, basically saying "A caused B"). We often think, "I am the way I am because of what happened to me." Adlerian psychology flips this on its head and focuses on teleology – the study of purpose.

The idea is that we choose our feelings and behaviours based on a purpose we want to achieve now. So, instead of saying, "I can't talk to people because I had a bad experience," Adler might suggest, "I choose not to talk to people so that I can avoid potential rejection or embarrassment."

Why this is liberating: It puts the power back in your hands! It suggests that you're not a prisoner of your past experiences. You have the agency to choose your purpose and, therefore, your actions and feelings right now. Mind-blowing, right?

🤝 Myth Buster #2: All Your Problems Are... Relationship Problems?

Okay, this one sounds intense, but hear me out. The book argues that all problems are ultimately interpersonal relationship problems.

Think about it: feelings of inferiority, anxiety about the future, frustration at work – they often stem from comparing ourselves to others, worrying about others' expectations, or navigating conflicts. Even seemingly personal goals often have a relational component (e.g., wanting to achieve something to gain recognition).

Why this is liberating: It simplifies things! Instead of feeling overwhelmed by a million different issues, you can focus on the core: how you relate to others and how you choose to navigate those relationships. It shifts the focus from blaming external factors to understanding your role in the dynamic.

🚶‍♂️ The Game-Changer: Separation of Tasks

This is perhaps the most practical and immediately applicable concept from the book. The idea is to clearly distinguish between your tasks and other people's tasks.

• Your Task: Your effort, your choices, your actions, how you live your life based on your principles.

• Their Task: How they perceive you, whether they like you, how they react to your actions, what they think of your choices.

The core principle? Do not interfere in other people's tasks, and do not let them interfere in yours.

You can control your actions, your studies, your work ethic, how you treat people. You cannot control whether your boss appreciates your work, whether that person you like feels the same way, or whether strangers approve of your life choices. Trying to control how others feel or react is not only impossible but also the source of endless stress and frustration.

Why this is liberating: It frees you from the burden of seeking external validation! You focus on doing your part to the best of your ability, living authentically, and letting go of the outcomes you can't control (i.e., others' reactions). This allows you to act based on your own principles, not on the fear of judgment.

• Personal Anecdote (Hypothetical): Imagine spending ages crafting the "perfect" email to a potential collaborator, agonizing over every word, trying to guess exactly what they want to hear. That's interfering in their task (how they perceive the email). Separation of tasks means writing a clear, respectful email based on your goals and research, hitting send, and then letting go. Their response is their task. This frees up so much mental energy!

💪 Finding the Courage to Be Disliked

This flows directly from the separation of tasks. If you're truly living according to your own principles and focusing only on your tasks, it's inevitable that some people won't like it. They might disagree, disapprove, or misunderstand.

The courage to be disliked doesn't mean actively trying to be unpleasant! It means accepting that seeking universal approval is not only impossible but also a sign that you aren't living freely. True freedom means having the courage to live authentically, even if it means not everyone approves. It's the price of freedom, and according to Adler, it's a price worth paying.

Why this is liberating: It breaks the chains of people-pleasing! It allows you to make decisions based on what you believe is right, not on what will garner the most applause.

❤️ Happiness is Contribution: Community Feeling

So, if we're not chasing recognition, where does happiness come from? Adlerian psychology suggests it comes from "community feeling." This means seeing others not as competitors but as comrades and feeling that you have a place and are contributing value to a community (however small).

This isn't about self-sacrifice in a draining way. It's about finding your worth through contributing to others, feeling useful, and being part of something larger than yourself. When you feel you are contributing, you gain a sense of belonging and self-worth, independent of others' specific evaluations of you.

Why this is liberating: It shifts the focus from "What can I get?" to "What can I give?" This outward focus, paradoxically, leads to a deeper sense of inner fulfillment and connection.

✨ Final Thoughts

"The Courage to Be Disliked" offers a radical, yet incredibly practical, framework for living with more freedom, less anxiety, and a greater sense of self-determination. By understanding that:

1. You are not defined by your past.

2. Your problems often stem from relationships.

3. You can only control your tasks (your actions & efforts).

4. True freedom requires the courage to not be liked by everyone.

5. Happiness comes from contributing to others.

...you can start to untangle yourself from the need for external validation and build a more resilient, authentic, and fulfilling life.

It’s a book that challenges you, makes you think, and ultimately, empowers you.

What do you think? Have you read "The Courage to Be Disliked"? Did any of these ideas resonate with you? Leave a comment below – I'd love to hear your thoughts! 👇