Don’t Use Your Kids as Bargaining Chips: Protecting What Matters Most in Divorce

Featuring the SAFE Method by Poonam Bhuchar

Divorce can bring out the worst in us. Emotions run high, resentment builds, and pain surfaces in ways we never anticipated. But amidst the chaos, there is one truth that must never be forgotten: your children didn’t choose this.

They didn’t ask for the marriage to end, for their home to split, or for their hearts to be caught in the crossfire. Yet all too often, they become the silent victims — used as leverage, manipulated for control, or placed in the middle of battles they don’t understand. This has to stop.

Your Children Are Not Bargaining Chips

Using your kids to punish your ex, to “win” a custody battle, or to gain the upper hand is never just about strategy — it’s about pain, and it only causes more of it. When children are used this way, they grow up confused, resentful, and emotionally burdened. They may begin to question their sense of safety, their worth, and their place in your love.

And let’s be honest — while the divorce ends the marriage, it doesn’t end your connection. If you have children together, you are tied for life. Graduations, weddings, birthdays, and grandchildren will all be shared chapters. Whether you like it or not, you will both be there. And the way you choose to navigate this now will define the tone of those moments later.

The SAFE Method: A Framework for Emotional Harmony

As both an attorney and divorce coach, I created the SAFE Method to help people process the emotional trauma of divorce in a healthy, constructive way. The method includes four key components:

• S: Surrender to your emotions — instead of suppressing them, allow yourself to feel, grieve, and process.

• A: Accept the reality — understand that this is happening, and resisting it only prolongs suffering.

• F: Forgive — not for your ex, but for your own healing and your children’s emotional freedom.

• E: Empower yourself — take steps forward with clarity, strength, and intention.

Forgiveness: A Gift for Your Children

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean excusing betrayal or pretending things didn’t hurt. Forgiveness means releasing the grip that bitterness has on you — so your children aren’t forced to carry it too. It means choosing peace over pride, and understanding that healing sets a better example than hostility ever could.

When you act out, you don’t just hurt your ex — you risk losing out on real, meaningful relationships with your children. They notice everything. They grow up remembering who made things harder, who tried to protect their peace, and who didn’t. Every decision you make now, every word you say about their other parent, echoes long after the court orders are signed.

Choose to Be the Grown-Up — Even When It’s Hard

Your kids need a safe place to land. They need to know that while their world is shifting, your love for them is steady. That means keeping them out of adult arguments, never asking them to choose sides, and showing them what emotional maturity looks like — even when you feel anything but strong.

The best gift you can give your children in the wake of divorce is the freedom to love both parents without guilt. Don’t take that from them.

They didn’t make the decision — but you get to decide how they experience the fallout.

You can reach me at www.emotionallysafe.com or divorcejourneycoach.com

Email me at : Poonam@emotionallysafe.com