Empathy Outperforms Technical Excellence

Let’s start with a story. The Story of Foo and Bar.

Foo logs into their sticker-covered MacBook Pro, a quiet badge of honor earned through high-impact launches. First task of the day: code review. Bar has a pull request open. Foo reads through it and immediately spots the same anti-pattern they flagged last week. Frustrated, they type:

“We’ve been over this. Repeating the same anti-pattern after feedback isn’t just careless, it wastes everyone’s time. If you’re unclear on the reasoning, ask. Otherwise, fix it properly.”

Next, Foo opens the team chat. Bar again with a design doc review request. Foo scans it and notices Redis used for messaging. Without missing a beat:

"Redis for messaging? Really? Just because it's already available in the system doesn't make it the right tool for every other thing. Design decisions shouldn’t be based on convenience. Evaluate the right set of messaging services, then justify your choice. System design 101, TBH."

Then comes the daily stand-up. Bar begins to explain their progress in detail. Foo interrupts:

"Let’s skip the implementation details and stick to what you did yesterday, what you’re doing today, and blockers. For the sake of not wasting everyone’s time. That’s what stand-ups are for."

Foo signs off from the call feeling good. High standards upheld. Another day of doing it right.

We’ve All Worked With or Been a Foo

Foos are technically sharp and brutally honest. But working with them sucks. Their feedback is often right but rarely well received. It makes sense technically but sounds condescending and humiliating. Over time, people stop reaching out to them to pair or brainstorm. Less interested in working on projects with them. Foo wonders why collaboration feels so draining.

The issue isn’t skill. It’s empathy. Or more precisely, the lack of it.

While Foo might feel like an extreme example, the underlying dynamic is something many of us experience. Most of us have felt frustrated when reviewing work that didn’t meet expectations. So read on.

Let’s break down what drives Foo-like behavior

Four Root Causes of Foo Behavior

1. Assuming Malice Over Skill Gaps

Hanlon’s Razor says: “Never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance.”

When a code or design pattern flagged in a previous review appears again, it’s tempting to assume they’re careless, indifferent, or defiant. But it can be lack of clarity, not sincerity. Maybe they didn’t fully understand the feedback the first time. Maybe they’re juggling more than they can handle.

Instead of a snarky comment, what if Foo had asked, “Does this make sense to you?” and offered to discuss in detail. A bit of patience and curiosity can make that feedback effective.

2. Forgetting That People Have Lives

We all go through phases in life where work isn’t the top priority. Health issues, caregiving responsibilities, mental health and what have you. Expecting everyone to operate at their peak performance all the time is a sign of immaturity.

Does that mean we lower the bar? Does that mean going easy on the code and design reviews? Absolutely not! It means adjusting the way we react to other’s mistakes.

Critique the work, not the person. Help them get better without making it personal. When discussing concerns with their manager, add context instead of accusations.

Let’s compare two versions of feedback about Bar:

“Bar is totally incompetent. Despite feedback, they keep making the same mistakes. They’re not focused and probably slacking off.”

vs.

“I’ve noticed some recurring issues in Bar’s work. I’ve shared feedback, but the patterns continue. It’s possible they’re overwhelmed or dealing with external challenges I’m not aware of. They might benefit from additional support or clearer guidance.”

Same issue. Different tone. Both highlight the problem. Only one gains trust.

3. Mistaking Empathy for Pretense

Some Foos think kindness in communication means being fake. That it means sugarcoating feedback or hiding real opinion. But Empathy doesn’t mean lying or diluting truth.

In fact, empathy helps remove imaginary bias and gets you closer to the truth. When people feel safe, they share more openly. And when they open up, you learn the context behind their actions. That helps make the feedback more receptive and actionable. It earns you deep respect from people because they feel heard. It creates real influence over forced and fickle compliance to a title.

4. Hidden Agendas

Sometimes, harsh feedback isn’t really about the work. It’s about being seen as the expert with high standards. Or subtly undercutting someone perceived as competition. That may work but just for a while.

Eventually, people catch on. If your tone doesn’t match what others are seeing, your credibility suffers. If someone suffers due to your rough communication, others subconsciously stop respecting you.

Even worse, it often backfires when you need support the most like during peer reviews, when pitching a new initiative, or promoting your technical achievements.

Over time, people start doubting your intentions and stop trusting your opinions … even the insightful and valuable ones.

We Work on Systems But With People

As engineers, we build performant systems. But our performance? That’s evaluated by people. Objective performance review is a myth. Promotions aren’t awarded by a compiler. Whether we like it or not, perception and visibility play a bigger role when it comes to career progression.

Who trusts you? Who wants to work with you again? Who respects you as a leader?

An empathetic mindset strengthens answers to all of the above. Decision makers see you as a leader that is well respected by the peers and trusted by the stakeholders. Ultimately, many things need to be aligned to progress in the career. Empathy improves your odds. It positions you as someone who not only delivers but elevates the team. It makes you a force multiplier.

But Doesn’t Empathy Slow You Down?

Sure, helping takes time. Giving thoughtful feedback means editing that first reactive version in your head. Being approachable invites more pings.

At first, empathy feels inefficient.

But over time, it builds sustainable velocity.

More teammates step up when you need a quick review. More people vote for your ideas. More hands support you at time crunch to take a project past finishing line. More voices advocate for you even when you’re not in the room.

That’s not politics. That’s influence. And it scales.

Don’t get me wrong. Being empathetic doesn’t mean spoon-feeding or allowing others to take advantage of you. Provide guidance on the right approach, but let those responsible do the work to apply it. And when someone tests your boundaries like constantly reaching out for help with things they could handle themselves or that have already been explained, avoiding the tough conversation only reinforces that behavior.

Empathy isn’t about being soft. It’s about knowing when to support and when to set the expectations right. It’s context-aware kindness and assertiveness. That balance is the real skill.

A Simple Test

If you left your current job today, how many of past and present teammates would help you find the next one?

If the answer is “not many,” it’s time to introspect.

A Final Word

You’ve probably seen people rise quickly by stepping over their peers. They make it to the next level but burn bridges along the way. Eventually, they hit a ceiling. They change jobs, but the pattern repeats. The joy fades. Burnout creeps in. Their network dries up.

Now imagine the alternative:

Even without being the sharpest technical mind in the room, their empathy earns trust, respect, and influence. And if technical excellence meets empathy, they become an unstoppable force. These are the teammates others remember … not just for what they built, but for how they made people feel along the way. The ones called out for their wins. Invited into rooms where decisions are made. Endorsed without hesitation. Because someone, somewhere, had something genuinely good to say about how they made others feel valued while still getting the job done.

That’s the compound interest of empathy. That’s how you build a career worth being proud of. If your goal is a career that gives fulfillment and not just facade … start here.