It’s Not Your Skill — It’s How You Make Others Feel

Being the smartest person in the room won’t earn you respect — not if you can’t connect with the people in it.

Your skills open doors but your mindset unlocks career growth.

Many brilliant people get stuck by ignoring human side of work. Careers aren’t built in isolation. They’re cultivated by being a person others want to work with.

Before we dive into what causes a disconnect with people, let me introduce you to Foo and Bar — chances are, you’ve been one of them. Maybe both.

A Monday Morning

Foo logs into their sticker-covered MacBook Pro, a badge of honor earned through flagship launches.

First task of the day: code review.

Bar has a pull request open.

Foo reads through it and spots the same anti-pattern they flagged last week. Frustrated, they type:

“We’ve been over this. Repeating the same mistake after feedback is careless, it wastes everyone’s time. If you’re unclear on the reasoning, ask. Otherwise, fix it properly.”

Next, comes the daily stand-up. Bar begins to explain their progress. Foo interrupts:

“Let’s skip the details and stick to what you did yesterday, what you’re doing today, and any blockers. For the sake of not wasting everyone’s time. That’s what stand-ups are for.”

Foo signs off from the call feeling good. High standards upheld. Another day of doing it right

We’ve All Worked With or Been a Foo

Foos are technically sharp but working with them sucks. Their feedback is technically accurate but sounds condescending.

Over time, people stop reaching out to them to brainstorm. Less interested in pairing with them on projects. And Foo wonders why nobody appreciates their technical acumen.

The issue isn’t skill. It’s empathy. Or more precisely, the lack of it.

Let’s dive into the 4 real reasons behind Foo-like behavior.

1. Mistaking Empathy for Pretense

Foos think kindness in communication means being fake. That it means sugarcoating feedback or hiding real opinion.

But Empathy isn’t diluting the truth — it’s delivering it with care.

In fact, empathy gets you closer to the truth — when people feel respected, they share more openly.

And when they open up, you learn the context behind their actions. That makes them receptive to the feedback, and likely to act on it.

It earns you trust from people because they feel heard.

2. Jumping To Conclusions

“Never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance.” — Hanlon’s Razor

When a mistake is repeated, Foos are quick to assume it’s sloppiness, indifference, or defiance.

But maybe the previous feedback wasn’t clear. Maybe the other person was overwhelmed so couldn’t fully internalize it.

Foos miss an obvious possibility: It maybe be lack of clarity, not sincerity.

Instead of a snarky comment, asking “Does this suggestion make sense to you?” and offering to discuss further can turn that comment into constructive conversation.

Patience and curiosity earns respect — not a rushed judgement.

3. Emotional Immaturity

Labelling someone lazy because they’re not always performing at their best exhibits limited perspective.

Life happens. Everyone goes through phases where work isn’t the top priority — health issues, caregiving, mental health, and what have you.

The mindset that understands people have lives outside work — or dealing with more than we see — leads to communication that uplifts, not wears them down.

Critique the work, support the person.

Consider two ways of expressing the same concern:

“Bar is totally incompetent. They’ve incomplete tasks this sprint. They’re probably slacking off.”

vs.

“I’ve noticed a drop in Bar’s velocity this sprint. I’ve shared feedback asking if they need help. It’s possible they’re overwhelmed or dealing with external challenges I’m not aware of. Additional support or clearer guidance will help.”

Same issue. Different tone. Only one earns credibility.

So, does that mean lowering the bar? Or going easy when reviewing their work? Absolutely not!

It means extending a helping hand — not a punch — when someone falls short.

4. Hidden Agendas

Sometimes, harsh feedback isn’t about the work. It’s flexing your expertise or subtly undercutting the competition.

That may work but just for a while.

Eventually, people catch on. If your tone doesn’t match what others are seeing, your credibility suffers.

Even worse, it backfires when you need support. Peer reviews full of red remarks, silence when you pitch a new initiative, or no claps when you share technical wins.

People start doubting your intentions and disregard your opinions … even the genuine and valuable ones.

But Doesn’t Empathy Slow You Down?

Sure, helping takes time. Being approachable invites more pings. Giving thoughtful feedback requires editing that first reactive version in your head.

At first, empathy feels inefficient. But over time, it creates sustainable velocity.

More teammates step up when you need an urgent code review. More people vote for your ideas. More hands support you to take a project past finishing line. More voices advocate for you even when you’re not in the room.

That’s not politics. That’s influence. And it scales.

Like it or not, perception about you is the key to unlock your career growth. Objective performance review is a myth — promotions aren’t awarded by a compiler.

Ultimately, many things need to be aligned to progress in the career. Empathy improves your odds. It positions you as someone who not only delivers but elevates others.

It makes you a force multiplier.

A Final Word

Don’t get me wrong. Empathy isn’t being always soft. It’s not spoon-feeding or letting others to take advantage of you.

Provide guidance but let those responsible do the work to apply it. Don’t avoid tough conversations when someone constantly drains you with things they could handle themselves.

Empathy is knowing when to support and when to set the expectations right. It’s context-aware kindness and assertiveness. That balance is the real skill.

A Simple Test: If you left your current job today, how many of past and present teammates would help you find the next one?

If the answer is “not many,” it’s time to introspect.

There are people who rise quickly by stepping over their peers. They make it to the next level burning bridges along the way. Eventually, they hit a ceiling. They change jobs, but the pattern persists and their network dries up.

Then, there are some who, even without being the sharpest in the room, foster influence. Others remember them… not just for what they built, but for how they made them feel along the way.

Many endorse them without hesitation and recruiters respond to them promptly. Because someone, somewhere, had something genuinely good to say about them.

That’s the compound interest of empathy.

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Author’s Note

This article is part of a series exploring the principles behind a fulfilling tech career. If you find this helpful, consider subscribing to receive future articles straight to your inbox.

You might also enjoy other articles from the series: Unspoken Principles of a Fulfilling Tech Career