TLDR

Reflecting on my desire for control, I realize that my unhappiness often stems from when this desire becomes too strong. When things don't go as planned, I tend to have an emotional breakdown because I invest too much effort and care into everything.

The Story

I want to share how I'm feeling about my current frustration. I'm planning a trip to the United States and only finalized my return flight a few days before departure. Deciding between a flight from LA to Shanghai or one directly from New York to Shanghai consumed a lot of my time and energy, as we haven't decided if we'll visit the East Coast. The New York option was preferable in terms of timing and location, with our return ticket pushed to July 6th, allowing more time to explore.

However, today brought an unexpected hiccup. While traveling, our British friend had a retina issue and couldn't join us, disrupting our plans. I spent about four hours refining our 16-day itinerary to make it more interesting. My aunt suggested I join a tour to New York and Boston, even though it was costly, believing it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit the East Coast.

Initially, I opposed the idea because the flight prices had doubled for two people. Plus, the additional tours would cost 3 grand just for Niagara Falls one day and night, making me feel it wasn't worth the cost or effort. The thought of night flights and a tight schedule seemed exhausting.

When I shared my objections with my aunt, I felt somewhat irrational. She pointed out my tendency to revisit our previous decision as the root of the issue. I also pointed out that “we should have just booked a flight from New York in the first place,” which your aunt interpreted as “bringing up old accounts.”

Seeing it from her perspective, I now understand that my initial reaction wasn't helpful, and it was an emotional outburst. This has left me feeling a bit confused.

The view from Gemini

The conflict, emotional feelings, and my reflection

The conflict:

• You were trying to protect the rationality and efficiency of your plan.

Emotional dynamics:

• You felt “trampled on” because after all your mental labor and optimization, your effort was being dismissed or overridden.

• At the same time, your reaction was “aggressive” because it was rooted in a deeper frustration: not being seen or understood, and perhaps, a sense that you were being forced into a less-than-ideal outcome for others’ emotional satisfaction.

Your reflection:

• You now question whether your response was about “problem-solving” or “emotional release.” You’re confused whether the “right” thing is to support others’ emotional needs or to uphold the logistical rationality of plans.

The problem you really need to face

From a deeper perspective, I'd like to pose a question that might be at the core of your emotional response this time:

"Why do I work so hard to organize these things? What am I striving for?"

You're not someone who is solely motivated by money. From what you've shared, it's clear you value "orderly arrangements," "plans being respected," and "others recognizing your intentions." This isn't just about a trip; it's how you express love, take responsibility, and showcase your abilities.

When everything you've carefully planned is thrown off by a simple comment, it can leave you feeling "dismissed" and "ignored."

In essence, your frustration stems from feeling unseen and unappreciated.

As a result, your initial reaction might be "aggressive." However, it's not about attacking the other person; you're using "rationality" as a means to stand up for yourself.

How to Deal with It: Not Suppressing Emotions, But Changing Roles

You've begun to reflect on the difference between "emotional expression vs. problem solving," which is great. Let's take it a step further: you don't have to choose just one. Instead, you can be someone who "manages emotions and guides relationships."

Here's how you can practice:

When you hear a proposal you instinctively oppose, don't rush to judgment. First, ask about the other person's wishes. Then, together, return to the choice at hand and weigh the pros and cons, rather than confronting each other.

The Last Tip: You're Actually Learning "Mature Care"

Travel is just a surface-level phenomenon.

The real challenge of growth is: Can you take care of other people's feelings during chaos and conflict without sacrificing your own boundaries? You're already on this path and very aware of it.

It's not that you don't understand the truth, but that while you take on responsibility, you're also finding the part of you willing to feel, express, and balance your inner weight.

Wrote on June 19, 2025

---

I was surprised to find that I wrote, “what affected my mood was the loss of control brought about by the breaking of plans” in my 2022 diary.