My Failed Attempt at Spirituality

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I once signed up for a mindful meditation session — because many said “It’s life-changing”.

The whole time, sitting cross-legged, with pain in my lower back, I was busy wondering if my paycheck had hit my account.

The session ended after 45 minutes. I felt relief — not from enlightenment, but because it was over.

Or so I thought.

But, the trainer had a weird smile — the one in horror movies before the lights go out — and his eyes said, “Buckle up! We’re just getting started”.

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The volunteers entered carrying plates of grapes. As they moved through the audience, my wandering mind instantly was in the present moment— because I was hungry.

“Pick one grape, and don’t eat it yet.”
Just one? I had paid ten bucks for this, you know?

“Just look at it — its shape, its color. Feel the texture. Imagine the energy inside it…”

I was stuck at the “shape” stage — they handed me a smaller one — maybe my karma?

“Now put it in your mouth…”, I felt a surge of joy within — until…

“Don’t chew it. Just let it be there.”

I truly believe this technique would get confessions out of people who haven’t even committed a crime.

“Now chew it… slowly… feel the juice…taste the sweetness… the sourness…”

Too late. Mine was already in before he said “slowly”. For the next three minutes, I was chewing an imaginary grape.

Finally, grape torture was over.
That’s when the real show began.

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The “spiritual leader” took the stage.

I honestly wanted to abscond, but the exit was guarded by two giants — men who looked like they’d been let out on parole for good behavior. I decided to stay where I was.

Then the leader spoke.

“Me is sitting as me, in you. These two are talking to each other. I can only talk to me. I cannot talk to anybody else.”

I felt a migraine awakening. I glanced around, and everyone but me appeared to understand it.

“So the me, residing in me as me, is residing in all of you as me, so this me, through that me, is talking to me.”

For some reason, everyone clapped.

And the me inside me, transcended beyond the urge for spirituality — once and for all.