I used to think it was just me.

Just a bad photo. A strange angle. A blemish I couldn’t stop staring at. I’d tell myself to move on, that it wasn’t a big deal but it always grew into something bigger.

Then it wasn’t just a mirror, it was every reflective surface. Every glance, every photo, every video I deleted before posting. I became my own worst observer, dissecting parts of myself that no one else noticed. And even if they did, they didn’t understand why it consumed me, why it controlled my choices, and why I stayed home instead of showing up.

This isn’t just insecurity and it’s not vanity.

This is Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), a serious, often misunderstood condition that quietly steals years from women’s lives, including mine.

What Body Dysmorphic Disorder Really Feels Like

BDD is not about wanting to look “better.” It’s about believing deeply and unshakably that something about you is wrong. It’s waking up and feeling like your face is broken. That people are judging you, staring, silently mocking your appearance. It’s living in a state of constant visual panic.

For me, BDD has never been just a thought. It’s an unrelenting storm: the checking, the comparing, the hours lost trying to fix something invisible. And the worst part? Some days I truly believed I was deformed: unlovable, unworthy, disgusting. All while people around me said, “You’re beautiful.”

That only made it worse.

According to research from the American Journal of Psychiatry, BDD often mirrors traits of OCD: persistent, intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviors like mirror checking or excessive grooming. But it’s more than that. It’s a haunting belief that you are fundamentally flawed because of how you look.

And many women never even get diagnosed.

Where It Starts and Why It Hurts So Deeply

For a lot of us, it starts early. Adolescence. The first time someone laughed at our skin, our nose, our weight. Or maybe it came from family, subtle comments like “you’d be so pretty if…” or the way praise was always given to those who fit a certain mold. I learned that “pretty” meant “deserving.” And I chased it, hard.

This isn’t just a mental health issue. It’s a cultural wound that cuts across women’s health, identity, and self-esteem.

In one clinical overview by Phillips and Kelly, it was found that:

• Over 80% of people with BDD have suicidal thoughts.

• Nearly 1 in 4 attempt suicide.

• Rates of psychiatric hospitalization are alarmingly high.

• Youth, especially girls, are deeply impacted, many drop out of school or isolate themselves completely.

These aren’t just statistics. They’re lives, women like me, whose worlds got smaller and darker, not because we were vain, but because we believed we were unworthy of being seen.

The Warped Mirror: How Social Media Is Fueling This Epidemic

Let’s name it: social media is not harmless.

Filters, editing apps, and algorithmically rewarded beauty have created a fantasy standard that’s impossible to live up to. And yet, we try. Every selfie becomes a war zone. I used to film myself multiple times a day, trying to see if I looked “normal” enough to leave the house. But the approval never came, not from the apps, and not from me.

Most young women today say social media makes them feel less attractive. But it’s not just about feeling “less than,” it’s about spiraling into a distorted reality where appearance becomes identity.

This isn’t just a confidence problem. This is a mental wellbeing crisis.

Read More: https://peonymagazine.com/wellness/body-dysmorphic-disorder-women/